Announcement

A lot of changes have gone on this past year. At this moment, it doesn't feel it. This time last year, my weeks revolved around going to work, going to church on Sunday, and coming home. When I was upset, stressed, or thought that others disapproved of me, I self-isolated and used things like housework as distractions. I internalized things, letting them eat at me until I fully believed I was to blame for even things I had no involvement in. I told myself lies, and believed them, because ...it just made life easier. Not easier in the sense that I'd have no worries, but easier in the sense that it didn't make the day-to-day stuff worse.

This past summer, I tried being normal. Like everyone else.

It was different. In a sense, it was freeing to not have to bottle things up, to not have to be the boring, odd one out. It was nice to be able to have friends around, and not worry about weather or not I'd be scolded for it. It was nice to get out of the house and have a hobby... to get back to something I greatly missed... to feel happy and myself like I did before life happened.

But with the summer ending, I slowly put them away. I knew this would happen. In the past few weeks, one thing I had yet to put away completely seemed to take care of itself rather suddenly. No more occasional trips to the city to go dancing. No more hanging out in the back yard. No more giggling over dating profiles, long discussions on familial drama, or confiding in what truly troubles us.

No, in fact the confusion and worry that plagued me earlier this week seems to have turned to the familiar heaviness of resignation. I still find myself wanting to pull up Facebook, or grab my phone and text a friend, to share or discuss... given that there have been a few big decisions to make, and I'd love to bounce ideas and weight the decisions with people... But in all honesty, I don't think I can do that. Without going into details, it seems as though I have left friends either greatly disappointed in me, or upset enough to ignore me altogether. I can't do much more than I have.. I've apologized, and in one case, I am honestly speechless. I can't support a denial or rebuttal without evidence, and how can I supply evidence when I've distanced myself from everyone, even those close to me. That, right there, was my own fault. I have never hidden from the fact that I use avoidance and isolation (I cut myself off from others) when things are overwhelming.

On the plus side, I think I'm handling it better than expected. Because as much as this hurts, as many bad memories as this brings up, I don't want to hurt myself or do something else stupid (self-destructive). And though I'm still avoiding things with distractions (using these three days alone to do housework instead of resting), in the end, these past few days have pushed me toward making a few decisions that are likely long overdue.

For starters, I plan on closing up shop on one or two of my blogs. Part of it is that I've (temporarily?) lost the desire to write. I mean, who am I writing to? And for what purpose? This one may or may not (but likely will) end. It's one year intent ran up 10 months ago anyhow. Same for the Fangirl blog. As fun as the Fangirl blog was, I haven't updated it in a while, and though I have posts left to finish for it, it too may end.

Another decision had to do with a project to secretly bless a family. And while the plan is amazing and would take a while to come to fruition, it would involve some sacrifices that friends and family may not be too keen on. As long as I keep telling myself that recent (personal) changes are personal, it makes it easier to sacrifice to make this project possible. That's what I tell myself anyway, that the players are all being repositioned so that God's blessing could be made possible. It's not a comfortable thing, but then again, it never is... is it.

I'm going to use the rest of my 'thinking time' tonight and tomorrow wisely, and so long as I'm at peace with decision, will post my last update of this blog by Monday.

Thank you all, for reading this. Know that while I may not be updating this blog after next week, I will certainly give links to the blog(s?) that will become my new home.